My way to get better...

I helped them... Or at least i think i did. So, you would understand why i feel it as a "coup de couteau par derrière". Like, you know, you've done something, you've helped someone, and suddenly, he (she) tells you : well, i wanna spend more time with him (her) so could you please leave us alone ?

I know, he didn't tell it to me this way, he did it nicely, kindly, but the result is the same : nothing has changed, even though i thought they did. I'm still out. I've felt this feeling so many times in my life. And i feel now as if, every time i would find something good, something happy and nice, something that would bring me joice, every time i would find it, it would be wipped away by something or someone...

I think friends are the best way to help you to get out f a depression, they're also the best way to get in. I'm gonna explain myself : when you're doing a depression, friends can help you, you can stay with 'em like you would be staying next to a life jacket during a shipwreck. But if you're happy, their comportements can get you down, if you weren't waiting for what happened ... good luck, cause what are you gonna hold to ?

A depression, i've already done one, and, 'til recently, i wouldn't believed people who were saying "once you've done one, you usually have to go trough an second one, and be careful, it's the worst!" Well, now, i trust 'em! or at least for the first part. I'm going trough a second one. And it's hard. Really hard. Harder that i've ever thought. But I don't want anybody to know it. It's my problem.

But my reaction isn't the same : last time, i wanted to die. Now, I still wanna die, but I mostly wanna leave.
Leave home.
Leave home. Leave France.
Leave home. Leave France. Leave everything i know.
Leave home. Leave France. Leave everything i know. Start a new life
Leave home. Leave France. Leave everything i know. Start a new life. Walk forever in the night.
Leave home. Leave France. Leave everything i know. Start a new life. Walk forever in the night. Go away

I don't know if i'm gonna find the courage to do it. It's another of my porblem. I'm not enugh courageous. I would like to be courageous. I would like it so much. But i'm not. Unfortunately.

I would like to leave my life, but I won't cause I'm afraid : i know what i would be losing, but i don't know what i would be winning.


Fear. It's the worst feeling someone can ever feel. Fear can change people in less time than something else could. People start fighting, and can do horrible thing because of fear. I don't want to imagine what's gonna happen the day every body is gonna be so afraid that they're gonna forget everything : forget hope, forget love, foreget brotherhood, forget dream... I don't want to think of it. I don't want to.